Ben'oni L'Benyamin: From Sorrow to Strength - My Journey With Depression

Part 2

TORAH TIDBITS

Each week, the same parsha (a weekly section of the Torah) is read in Jewish congregations all over the world. Parshiot is the plural for parsha. The name of each parsha is based on the first word of the section. In this section, I reflect on most (though not all) of the parshiot. These are not meant to be deep, philosophical interpretations of the Torah but rather a discussion of feelings that arise as I read them. At times, I reflect on the parsha as a whole, and at others times, I discuss just a word or phrase that jumps out at me. This section consists of mini sermons that can be read in any order.

Bereshit: Genesis

Bereshit

Bereshit is the story of creation. In this parsha, we learn the order and process in which God created the world. As mentioned in the section on Simchat Torah, this parsha brings me comfort because it reminds me that darkness comes before light and reinforces a sense of hope in dark times.

The story of Bereshit also explains the creation of human beings. Humans were created “in the image of God” and, through the creation process, God breathed life into them. Every human being is created in the image of God, and every human being has the breath of God within him. Every human being—even me. This reminds me to honor myself just as I honor God. It forces me to recognize that I must have some goodness within me. Of all the lessons of the Torah, this is perhaps the most important one that helps me overcome depression, and also one of the most difficult ones to accept.

The story of creation can be a lesson to all of us. As we go through our days, let us remember that each person we encounter has the spark of God within him. When we begin to lose patience or become angry, let us hold this belief close.

Noah

When I think of the story of Noah, I don’t think of an ark full of animals, I don’t think of a flood; I think of abandonment. According to Midrash,7 Noah spent 120 years building the ark. He cut down trees to build a huge ship in the middle of town. The building of the ark was not some private, secretive act. It was done in the open so people would notice and ask questions. Instead of taking him seriously, however, they laughed at him and thought he was crazy.

Perhaps it makes sense that people didn’t believe him. His story does sound farfetched and delusional. The fact that they didn’t believe him, however, doesn’t mean they had to ridicule and ignore him. If they had taken the time to listen to and support him, they would have been engaging in tshuvah8 without even realizing it. God would have seen how the people were looking after and helping one another, eliminating the need to destroy the earth and its inhabitants. Just as the people of Nineveh9 were able to do tshuvah and be spared, perhaps the people at the time of Noah would have been spared for their acts of kindness.

But the people neither helped nor supported Noah. They teased him and snubbed him. Therefore, the land was flooded, and Noah set out on his own, with just his family and the animals.

People who suffer from mental illness are often the most vulnerable in our society. What kind of society are we creating by ignoring them rather than caring for them? Are we living in a world that God would want to once again destroy and start over?

Fortunately, God will not cause another flood to destroy the world. If we don’t see the value of helping those who suffer from mental illness, however, we will create a society that is immoral. Let us instead build a world in which we recognize the godliness of all people. Let us listen to those around us, even if what they say seems “crazy.” Let us love them and help them get the assistance they need.

Lech Lecha

God said to Abram, “Take yourself from your land, from your birthplace, from your father’s house, to a land that I will show you.”

—Genesis 12:1

In this parsha, God asks Abram to leave his comfort zone to go to a completely unknown place. Essentially, God asks for complete faith that this new place will be better than where he is now. Each day when I wake up, at times I feel as if I am going to an unknown place, a new scary world that I know nothing about. To someone without depression, this may seem absurd. Physically, I am not going to a new place; emotionally, however, I do not know what the day will bring. It seems easier to stay in bed than to face the new day.

Like Abram, it takes incredible faith for me to venture out from my safe bed to the outside world. Yet, like Abram, I have that faith. I don’t know whether today will be the day I stand paralyzed by my emotions or the day I overcome my negative thoughts and feel good, but I trust that no matter what the day looks like, God will bless me. And God does bless me. No matter how bad I feel, I can still recognize the many blessings in my life.

VaYerah

Lot’s wife looked behind him, and she was turned into a pillar of salt.

—Genesis 19:26

What a tragic story! Will facing our past be so difficult that we won’t be able to cope? Does looking back necessarily mean longing? Sometimes people are afraid that confronting their losses may be too overwhelming and that the sadness will be unmanageable. But to experience true healing, we must be able to look behind in order to move forward.

Perhaps Lot’s wife wasn’t ready yet. Maybe she needed more distance from the situation and someone to support her on her journey. To cope with depression, we must be willing to look at our triggers, our challenges, our past. If we do that without guidance, like Lot’s wife, we may become paralyzed by our emotions and crumble into a pile of tears.

Looking back on our past does not necessarily mean we are longing for something that used to be. Reflecting on past experiences shouldn’t be so debilitating that we are unable to move forward. To better cope with our present situation, we must be able to look at our past and learn. We must grow from our previous challenges.

Pretending the past never happened does not make it go away; rather, it will probably come back to haunt you when you least expect it. Although it is important to face your past, it is essential to tread cautiously. Make sure you are ready and have an appropriate support person with you—someone who can be with you while you cry and let you know that you are not alone.10

Chaya Sarah

This parsha covers the death of Sarah and her burial. To help Isaac through his grief, Abraham sends his servant to find a bride for him. Abraham tries to help Isaac get over his grief by ignoring it and moving on. This idea strikes me as ridiculous. Nonetheless, in this instance, it appears to work.

Isaac finds Rebecca and is consoled for the loss of his mother. Is this realistic? Can you get over grief just by turning your attention to someone else? Can we replace a loss with someone new? The short answer is no. Inviting a new person into your life cannot, by itself, repair a keenly felt grief.

However, if you look at Rebecca’s character in this parsha, you can see why Isaac is comforted by her. It is not just that she becomes his wife but because of who she is. Rebecca is kind and giving. When Isaac’s servant goes to the well, she provides drinking water for the servant and his camels. Drawing water from the well is not an easy task; it takes time and work. The fact that Rebecca draws water for the servants and the camels demonstrates her caring and patient nature. To help him out of his grief, Isaac needed someone like Rebecca.

Depression is a kind of grief, the loss of the person I used to be. I had several “Rebeccas” on my journey, people who were kind and caring and went above and beyond to draw me out of the well I was in. My friend Susan helped out with the kids while I was at my worst. My parents were with me every step of the way, supporting and comforting me. My therapist does far more than what is expected. She is always available by phone, and she encourages me to send my journal entries to her so we could better process during our sessions. Through the guidance and support of my “Rebeccas” I have gotten through my despair.

Toldot

Parsha Toldot is a story of sibling rivalry, parental favoritism, and deception. Upon further examination, the concept of favoritism stands out to me. Rebecca favors Jacob; Isaac prefers Esau. How would this type of favoritism make a child feel? Such an upbringing can lead to feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. In this story, which characteristics are valued? Jacob is quiet and contemplative. Esau is outdoorsy and active. Our tradition clearly favors one lifestyle over the other.

This value judgment goes beyond mere parental favoritism; it has become part of our culture. Though the specifics may change through time, Judaism clearly values certain characteristics over others. For example, intelligence is often treasured above all else. On countless occasions, I have heard a rabbi mention at a child’s bar mitzvah how he will end up at Berkeley or Harvard. Bat mitzvah speeches tend to focus on all the child has accomplished and not enough on who she is as a person.

Often, people brag about their child becoming a doctor or a lawyer. They may add that he graduated from Yale or she was top in her class at Harvard, but not much else is said. That...